


Never

by Jadedphase



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Angst, Implied Character Death, M/M, Mostly canon to the end of the show, reference to suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-12
Updated: 2017-07-12
Packaged: 2018-12-01 04:43:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11478849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jadedphase/pseuds/Jadedphase
Summary: It's the things we don't do, sometimes, that leave the biggest impact.





	Never

Ultimately, it’s always the things that a person can’t do, doesn’t do, that end up meaning more than what they manage to. Every little step builds of course but it’s the faltering that sticks out the most in anyone’s mind; those moments when a wrong word is said or a chance is missed. An instant of hesitation that changes everything in the wake of it. Nagging little claws that sink under the skin and leave tiny, painful wounds long past the moments; aches that are buried in memories and broken realizations that only mock. 

He never had the money to take Alex on a date. Maybe if he’d did enough favors for him or caught him in just the right mood Justin could have convinced Bryce to loan him the means he needed for that. When it came right down to it Justin had practically sold his soul for lesser things and he should have tried, for Alex, for something good for him. For a night out somewhere together that was more than just a few hours at the guest house with everyone else, carrying on and drinking without a moment to themselves.

A real date. Not the sappy, romantic kind because that wouldn’t have suited Alex, but somewhere he would have really enjoyed like a concert, his favorite coffee shop or any of the dozens of ideas that Justin had mapped out in his head time and again knowing that one day he could give him that much and earn a real smile for all his efforts. 

Again, money; he’d never gotten Alex a real gift. Not for any birthday or holiday, any of the events the school hosted that centered around flowers and hearts. And even if he had seen so many things just so barely out of his reach that Alex would have been happy to be given Justin had never once done something so very simple. Nothing too extravagant, little things, but even small gestures demanded things Justin did not have to give. He could have tried harder, found some way; he didn’t try harder though and the thought still burns. 

A summer job would have helped; somewhere both to get away from home and to help solve some of his exhausting worries over how tight the finances had gotten since the latest boyfriend had started encouraging his mom to drink more, to party more, to forget little things like food in the house. So, a job in the summer might have solved so many problems. 

He'd never complimented Alex on how he carried himself, the bright intensity of his eyes that Justin found so alluring in their resolve or the tense set to his jaw when determination lingered there. There was nothing about the blonde that seemed understated and how easily he carried on with no need for approval from those around him always put Justin in awe. It was not the false bravado he hid behind himself, no; Alex was strong in who he was and the things he decided to hold his convictions in. It was rare and amazing. 

Never once had he said it though, not out loud, and he truly wished he had. 

He wished just as much he had spoken the simple words that he understood that what Alex did need was the approval of his father, even if he didn’t agree with it Justin still knew he should have said those words if only to help Alex carry some of that burden. Remind him that the perfection he chased would never measure but he most clearly did himself, and that was all that mattered. When Alex had felt as though he meant so little Justin should have spoken up and chased the monsters away.

He had never held Alex’s hand in public, or at all. The small stolen touches when they were together in the hallways or outside of them were so swift they barely felt real and most certainly didn’t feel like enough. One grasp of those shaking hands in the worst moments might have offered a steady line that Alex needed, might have grounded the both of them and made them remember how being alone wasn’t anything either of them deserved. 

And he should have told Alex he was sorry; for hurting Jess, for falling short and for being everything but what he needed to be. Admitting his shame, shedding his tears and begging for forgiveness; Justin knew he could have done all those things even if they might have damned him. He could have shown Alex he was so much better than the person he let circumstance direct him to be. But the easy way out was a coward’s excuse, an ugly truth, and a false ground to stand on. 

More than anything Justin should have told Alex he cared, that he saw so much in him and that his own unsteady hands and empty chest felt so much less broken when they talked, when Alex laughed. He could have told Alex in a thousand ways and a million chances that he wasn’t alone, that he would give so much just for the possibility of holding his hand, of earning his smile, of time to do all the little things that were normal and he never could put into place. He could have even loved Alex, perhaps, if they had both seen enough in each other. 

The phone call he never answered is the one that Justin can never face. He didn’t know then and still doesn’t know now what he might have said, what he might not have. He doesn’t know what might have made a difference and what may have kept Alex grounded enough to get help. 

Never saying goodbye was one of the few things that Justin should have done, at the least, to make up for all the things he left unfinished that might have saved Alex from himself.


End file.
